Karaoke Funeral

It's not sad. I promise.

For my last semester of coursework, I am taking a class on grief and loss, which brings me to the verge of tears every week. However, it's given me an opportunity to reflect on my life and the things I have yet to do with it, the things I need to change, the things I need to do. It puts my life into perspective and reminds me each week of what's really important to me. But the thing I have thought about lately is what I want my funeral to be like. It's morbid, I know, but it may not seem so morbid when I explain it:

Actually, this is an idea I had on my mission. Tracy, you will probably remember this. In my will, I plan to assign all of my friends and family a song to sing on a karaoke machine. The catch is that they will either be songs that are humorous for their personalities or just generally funny because of their campiness. Why would I do something like that?

• I love karaoke. And I believe, secretly, in their hearts of hearts, everyone else loves it, too. I think, as people, we all like to believe we are self-conscious about our abilities to perform in a crowd because we recognize that, were we to be featured on American Idol, Randy Jackson would be covering his face with a notebook to hide his laughter. So we all pretend we don't like performing because we do not want to have it widely acknowledged that we can't sing. We want to acknowledge it before anyone else does.  The mistake people make is acknowledging it by refusing to perform. I believe that for karaoke to work, you have to take the exact opposite view: I will acknowledge that I have no musical ability by standing up in front of family and friends and showing my lack of musical talent loudly and unabashedly to the tune of "Mr. Roboto," and possibly making that acknowledgement accessible via the worldwide web. Once you realize that this is the real point of karaoke, it becomes a very freeing experience. I have a video of Shane singing karaoke in Japan that, I believe, proves my point, but he has asked me not to post it. If you were to see that video, however, you would see him singing "I Believe I Can Fly" with courage and passion unmatched by even R. Kelly himself. However, it took him 30 minutes of flipping through song catalogues and pretending like the only reason he came to the karaoke place was because I made him to get him to that point. Also, I believe your more resistant person just needs the right song. I have yet to meet a person who didn't have a special song they had always longed to hear themselves sing without the backup support of the professional artist.


• There are members of my family who would only sing karaoke (Supposedly. Refer to above bullet point) if it were a last request.


• I love songs that are funny. There are certain songs that have always made me smile because of their enormous popularity despite, or because of, their obvious absurdity.


• It's pretty hard not to smile and laugh when people are singing songs like this. I would hope that, while people would express grief and sorrow at my death, they wouldn't forget the way that I lived: arms flailing, singing atonally, and laughing at irony.

Here are some examples of songs I would like to be sung at my funeral, which will be further detailed in the body of my will:

"Copacabana (At the Copa)" Who can resist 8 minutes of love, murder, and excessive drum breaks? Plus, Barry Manilow is one of those musical artists who is just funny without meaning to be. Sorry, Mom.

"It's Raining Men" A classic. And an homage to Homer Simpson ("Aw, 'It's Raining Men'?" "Yeah, not no more, it aint.") And funnier when sung by a man, which is probably why it's become a gay anthem.

"Close to You" Homer and Marge's song. I believe the Simpsons reference songs will be an important element of my karaoke funeral, as, for years, we could not have an entire conversation as a family without it degenerating into reminiscences of our favorite Simpsons episodes. 

"If You Wanna Be Happy" It brings to mind some truly haunting and hideous ward lipsynchs. It is borderline offensive to women, and yet it does teach something about not looking at a person's outward appearance.

"Bohemian Rhapsody" Queen. Wayne's World reference. Strange lyrics. Headbanging. Enough said.

"Somebody to Love" I think the first line alone makes it great, and it just gets better from there. Plus, it truly describes the plight of single people across the world. 

"Dancing Queen" Who doesn't love ABBA? And how can you not dance while you sing it?

"I'm Too Sexy" Right Said Fred was one of the best one-hit wonders of my generation. And the person who sings it better do a little turn on the catwalk. On the catwalk. Yeah.

"Love is Strange," by Mickey and Sylvia. For those of you unfamiliar with this song, it has only about eight lines, and then, in the middle of the song, for reasons never fully explained, Mickey and Sylvia have this conversation:

Mickey: Sylvia?

Sylvia: Yes, Mickey?

Mickey: How do you call your lover boy?

Sylvia: (roughly) Come here, Lover Boy.

Mickey: And if he doesn't answer?

Sylvia: (seductively) Oh, Lover Boy.

Mickey: And if he STILL doesn't answer?

Sylvia: I simply say, 'Baby, oh, baby, my sweet baby, you're the one.'

Obviously, this one would have to be a duet, like it was for Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey in Dirty Dancing, and for Suzanne Sugarbaker and Anthony Bouvier in a memorable performance on Designing Women when she goes out on a public stage wearing blackface.

"Summer Nights" from Grease. I think this will be an ensemble piece, since it is a huge crowd pleaser and reflective of my love of Broadway musicals.

So that's it, in a nutshell. I plan to meet with a lawyer in the next couple of weeks to firm up the details, so everyone get ready. Reply to this post by giving me suggestions of the songs you would like to sing, and I will take it into consideration as I am preparing the legal document. I will also take into consideration your suggestions for songs you think other people should have to sing.